Lead Me, My Next Journey of Hope

I wrote this post, as you can see, last month. I feel it is time to post it. If you don't like posts without pictures, then this is not the post for you. I take this topic I'm posting about very seriously.

It’s 1:00 in the morning (12/9/10) and I just can’t sleep. As I was in bed contemplating whether to get up or not, God gave me this blog post. I’m starting it but I’m not sure when I’ll post it. Maybe today, maybe in a few weeks. Please know that I’m about to share personal stuff and if you’re not comfortable, then please read no further. Oh, and this will be lengthy with no pictures.
If you listen to KLOVE on the radio or any other Christian radio station in your area, you have heard Lead Me by Sanctus Real. (If you click on that link you can hear the song, watch the video, hear the story behind the song, and read a prayer.) The words are powerful.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

So this brings me to my next Journey of Hope. I have been on the fence about sharing this with any of you readers, but like I said I felt God wants me to write this post. For the last 2 years I have been going to church alone. Well, I’ll take Logan and Brady with me but my husband stays home. To protect his privacy I will not go into why he chose to quit going to the church I go to. I realize that you can go to church all you want and not be a follower of Christ. I also realize you can not go to church at all and be the most faithful follower of Christ. I personally believe for myself that I HAVE to go to church. I NEED it, desperately. It helps me to stay on the right track. It feeds my soul. I love my church and church family. They have been so supportive of me. When I need prayer, they’re there. When I lost my first baby, they were there praying for me, comforting me, “feeding” me. I would say, for the first year after my husband quit going, I thought he’d come back. But this last year I have been feeling torn. Do I leave so we can go to church somewhere else as a family? Or…. Do I stay here because I feel comfortable here and enjoy my church? I feel God is giving me an answer. I feel like it’s almost time to move on. But where?!!! And is it really time for me to make a change?

Every January our church has done a 21 day fast. If you’re not familiar with fasting, you can click this link to get a description. I discussed with Wes that I will stay at my current church till the end of January. When the fast is over. I will be fasting for direction on where we should go and to be sure that I should leave my current church for sure. I just need peace about my decision. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere where God is not in the decision.

My husband has never pressured me to quit going BUT has stated that he is willing to try any other church. So, this is my prayer….That God will LEAD ME and my family to the best church for OUR family. I pray God leads us to the church where Brady will be safe and loved in the nursery, where Logan will make friends easily and enjoy his classes, where Wes will feel comfortable and want to be involved, and where I can eventually join the choir or help with Praise and Worship.

My desire is for our family to be changed. My desire is to be a family that prays together, reads the Word together, and lives the Word together. If me leaving my church is the first step, then I am willing. I’ll go wherever God wants me to go. I need to quit being selfish. At times I felt it was my husband that was the selfish one. But now, I’m not so sure. I want to open my ears and listen to God. I want to be still for once….and listen. And then….

I’ll say Yes, Lord, yes, to Your will and to Your way

Yes, Lord, yes, I will trust You and obey

When Your Spirit speaks to me, with my whole heart I'll agree

And my answer will be yes, Lord, yes!

 

So I ask you, if you are a follower of Christ, please pray with me. Pray for my family and the direction God wants us to go. Pray that He will lead us to the perfect church for our family.
If any of my current church family is reading this, please do not get sad or hurt. My final decision has not been made. I’m waiting on God for that. Just pray that God Leads US.

Today:
I'm STILL feeling torn about this decision. I spoke to my pastor VERY briefly Sunday morning and after we spoke I just felt so confused. I KNOW without a doubt God will give me the direction and answers but I hope that I'm still and quiet enough to hear Him. Please pray with me. I will start our church fast this coming Sunday, January 10th. I pray that during these 21 days God will give me the directions I'm seeking...whether to stay or to go...and if GO....then WHERE?!