Confessions of a Wanna-be Mom

Well, just as I expected, the emotions came rolling on out today. I thought I had done pretty well. I thought, oh maybe Mother's Day won't be quite as bad as I had expected. Then the tears came just as unexpected as a Texas twister comes in the Spring time. Now please, before I get too much further, I am NOT, I repeat, NOT, writing this to get any pity or sympathy comments. This is my blog. This is my journal. This IS my chronological record of events on my Journey of Hope. And this helps me get my thoughts out of my head. On another note, this may be long. I am writing this just for me.

I am hoping and faithfully believing that one day I will be able to come back and read this post while holding a precious baby of my own.

Ever since becoming a stepmom, this holiday has always been a little confusing for my emotions. I mean, yeah, I'm a stepmom. Yes, the word "mom" is in there. Yes, Logan has always called me mom. But I am sorry, no matter how much I have tried to think of it that way, it has not ever seemed right for me to be celebrated on this day. Wes has been so loving and supportive throughout the years on this holiday. I love him so much. Friends and family, the same. They say "Oh you are definitely a mom to Logan. You love him. You do so much for him. You should enjoy this day." But I'm sorry, I just don't feel like that. But if Wes didn't show me special attention on this day I'd get my feelings hurt. See, that's confusing. I guess I feel like he is the ONLY one, besides Logan, who should celebrate me as a mom on this day. I dread going to church. I don't want to be acknowledged as a mom. In fact, last year I skipped church for this very reason. If I don't understand my emotions, how can I ask anyone else to understand. It can be so overwhelming.

Some have said, "Try to concentrate on your mom and mother-in-law this day." I am going to try. I am going to try to focus on that and not on all the pregnant women I see. I am going to try and focus on my mom instead of all the mom's with children giving special hugs and kisses. I am going to try and focus on my mom instead of all the mom's that have their children rushing to them after church with homemade gifts that they made during children's church. I am going to pray really hard that God controls my tears. I sound SO selfish as I write this.

I'm afraid this Mother's Day is going to be especially hard this year. This Mother's Day I would be around 6 months pregnant. I would be showing. I would know if I were having a daughter or a son. Those facts seem so unreal to me. Will I be able to get through tomorrow without a public breakdown? Lord willing.

I am not the only one feeling this way. There are tons of women out there in the same boat I am in. They will be in my prayers. If God can do it for Hannah or Sarah (in the Bible), He WILL do it for me. My goal is to believe just like that this year. I am going to keep trusting God. I have the faith. I trust God will bring me another baby. My problem is "when?". My impatience needs some work.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, never to harm you, to give you hope and a future."

God hears my cries. He hears my prayers. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

Lamentations 3:25 "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him."

Isaiah 55:11 "So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth; It shall not return to me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised IS faithful."