Have you noticed my blogsites name up in that little box at the top or the link you click on to get here? http://holdingon2myhope.blogspot.com/ Holding onto hope. That's me. That has been me for over 6 years now. For over 6 years I have yearned for a baby of my own. I do consider Logan my son but he's not "my" son. He's my stepson and I love him dearly. Many women, with a few exceptions, come to a point in there life where they feel like a child is the next step. Without going into too much detail, my dream of having a child was not always the same dream Wes had. I knew deep down in my soul that one day that would change. Instead of giving up on a marriage and a life I knew God had given me, I chose to pray and tried to be patient. I have always heard that "patience is a virtue". But patience is very difficult for most people to master, especially me. So instead of trying to focus on being patient, I focused on clinging onto Hope.
If you were to take a walk in my home, or look at my wrist, you'd see this word in different areas. HOPE
I thought it was interesting when I looked up the definition of Hope...1)to desire with expectation of obtainment or 2)to expect with confidence. So the word Hope means so much to me. Especially for the past 1 1/2 years, Hope has been all around me. Altho I wasn't pregnant, I had Hope that it would happen. A couple of verses here sums it up completely....Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the HOPE we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Hebrews 10:23
To me, when I think of Hope, it goes right along with Trust and Faith.
So a month ago my Hope was fulfilled. God had answered my prayers! I never realized what He would begin to put me through a week later. But you know, when I found out I was pregnant and even before, I prayed that God would use this baby to reach out and to do good for Him. I didn't want a baby just for my benefit and to say I was a mother; but I wanted a child of God. A child that God could use for His glory and a child He would use to reach out to others that may not know Him. God knows what He is doing. He doesn't bring us to it and not get us through it. So when I began to have complications, yes I did get scared. I have faced so many emotions within the last month. Happy, sad, scared, hopeful, impatient, angry, bitter, jealous. I remember saying I was on a roller coaster ride. It wasn't till just a few days ago that instead of calling it my "roller coaster ride" I will now say it was just another piece of my journey of hope.
You know there have been many times where a friend or family member will ask me to pray for someone they know going through a difficult time. A total stranger but yet we are still brothers and sisters in Christ, and I would pray. I never dreamed that I would have total strangers praying for me like I had the last month. It revealed to me how wonderful God's grace and love is for me. ME! He loves me. He doesn't want to hurt me. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, never to harm you, but to give you a Hope and a future." Oh how many times have I said this verse over and over for the passed 6 years. This verse definately came more clear to me this last month.
So as I struggled for a good 3 weeks, I had so much pain. Yet, every day God worked to restore a little bit of Hope back in my life.
Last Monday night, Wes and I went out to my pastor's house. I just needed some peace. I hadn't been able to really pray in a few weeks. I needed God to just come down and wrap his arms around me. Clifton and Katrina have been such wonderful supporters in all this. And Wes. I can't even find the right words to express my love for him. He has been so supportive, so loving, so caring. My love for my husband has definately grown in the last few weeks. They all three prayed for me that God would give me some peace about this all. From that night on, the peace has not left. I have felt so peaceful and positive and I can pray again! God never left me. He was there the entire time. I drove home Tuesday after work and just began to cry. All these thoughts were coming to my mind....how thankful I was to be able to get out of bed and function, having a husband that loves me and cares about me and wants to try again, having a pastor and family that love me and prays for me constantly, having people MILES away that don't even know me praying for me, and the peace and positive feelings were all around me. How could this be? How could I even be feeling an ounce of peace? It's this simple.....God.
So, for all of you.....friends, family, total strangers....I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, love and support. You'll never know how much I really appreciate you.
I am still holding onto my hope. I WILL have a baby to love and hold and raise to serve our loving and merciful God and it makes me so happy to even think about.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.Romans 15:13
Third Day...Tunnel
I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Brings a new life for your eyes to see
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